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Post by lizziemitchell on Dec 14, 2011 16:20:15 GMT
I've just started a new novel (feeling a little rusty as I haven't written anything in a while) and would love some constructive feedback. I have been posting it on a site called Movellas and would like you guys to take a look for me. The link is bellow. www.movellas.com/book/read/201110102131053832Thanks again!
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Post by limebirdwriters on Dec 14, 2011 18:57:50 GMT
Hey Lizzie, Will have a look soon! Ps Limebird peeps Lizzie is one of my friends so any feedback would be greatly appreciated! x
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Post by ottabelle on Dec 14, 2011 20:23:38 GMT
I'll look as soon as I can. Which will probably be fairly soon. -Excited- ...x.x fairly soon is getting later. I'll get to it tonight, I hope.
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Post by ottabelle on Dec 15, 2011 7:07:09 GMT
Chapter 1: I really this this is going to be a cool story. I haven't gotten to the next chapters yet; I really want to know what he means by phoenix! I thought so many lines were cute. Some examples: "I was sure that if any God existed..." "trying not to think about what I was stepping on" "sweet smell like vanilla ice cream" "As in a bird?" There were places I would change the wording. I'm not sure if you want changes like that or not so I'll wait for your answer before doing that. There were places you used helping verbs, which honestly I have no idea anymore if that makes a sentence passive or not, but you could have used an active verb without the helper. There's one instance in the first paragraph "This had left me with no other choice." you can remove had and just use left for a more POW sentence. (Oops, is that changing wording? Sorry...) Anyway, in the paragraph where she first goes into the green I thought it might fit her character to have her think something like, "at least I have my shoes for some kind of protection." The only thing that sucks is she looses them, which fits her night. I'd give it a read again, it seemed like you left some words out in places. Just small words like 'my's and such. Overall, I think this was a good chapter. It kept me interested the entire time. The rape scene was well done, some people have trouble with them, I think. It detail used didn't bother me, I thought that without it the story wouldn't have the impact it needed. I can't wait to get to the next chapter tomorrow.
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Post by 4amWriter on Dec 15, 2011 10:04:31 GMT
Hi Lizzie, Thanks for giving us the opportunity to read your story. So far I read chapter one: You immediately hook us into your protag with her conflict. She has a solid voice and even though you don't give us a visual of what she looks like, I got a pretty good picture of her in my head. You set us up perfectly for the rape; I knew she would be attacked in some way because of all of her tense thoughts about walking through the woods. I would agree with Ottabelle that using the pluperfect tense is unnecessary. It lessens the tension because the sentence reads "clunky" I would esp advise you to change the tense in those opening graphs because it provides too much distance from the action. I think you want your readers to be right there with your protag when she is describing her night. You did a good job with the rape scene overall. However, I had trouble believing that during the attack she would be thinking her [paraphrased] “first sexual encounter would be with a rapist who held no standard of personal hygiene…tonight really wasn’t my night at all.” The voice here, to me, sounded inconvenienced rather than terrified. Tobin is my kinda guy!! However, he also seems too dreamy. You may have this in a later chapter, but I think to make him a little more interesting give him a flaw of some sort. I realize he’s a phoenix, magical, whatnot, but if he’s too perfect then he is one-dimensional and will be flat and blah. Just a suggestion, you don’t have to do it! That’s what I have so far. I will move on to Chapter 2. Nice job!
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Post by limebirdwriters on Dec 15, 2011 10:18:55 GMT
I really really liked this, I have to say that I read all three chapters in one go because I wanted to know what happened next. However, I'll go for first chapter for now! Like the other two said, I agree with the pluperfect tense. It could make a world of difference to the pace of the scene. I could really picture the whole scene in my head, I think it's because I imagined Richmond Green (I don't know if that's what you were imagining too), so it was much more vivid. The rape scene, although uncomfortable, was well written. I can see what Kate means about the "first sexual encounter would be with a rapist who held no standard of personal hygiene" bit, but we do find out a bit more about why that's important in the next few chapters, so I don't think that necessarily needs to be taken out. The only that you could do, just to create a bit more of a 'hang' at the end of the first chapter, you could end it at 'I'm a phoenix'. Then the reader will really want to move on to the next chapter to find out more. Dunno, just an idea but could be worth considering. Anyways, I really enjoyed it. Get the next one up soon please!
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Post by limebirdwriters on Dec 15, 2011 10:22:10 GMT
Also - what type of reading would you like? Are we talking plot etc or more proofreading or both?
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Post by lizziemitchell on Dec 15, 2011 19:17:16 GMT
Okay, wow guys, I can't believe I've got such good feedback! I literally wrote it and posted it. I have this thing where I dislike editing. Your feedback has been amazing, definite encouragement to keep going with it. I was feeling as if I was a bit rusty as it's been a while since I've written for enjoyment (just finished a University course) and it's nice to get back to a new idea and not stressing about it being graded. I will take on board everything you've said and have an edit at some point but enjoying writing it at the moment. Just going with chapter five (struggling a little bit) but will push on and see how it goes. Chapter two after all was written, deleted and written again several times before I got it right. Thank you all so much! You have no idea how much it means to me to have your support!
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Post by ottabelle on Dec 17, 2011 4:27:05 GMT
(Would still like to know if you prefer plot and proofreading or only plot or only proofreading or what :]) Chapter 2: Another good chapter, keeping the same pace as the first. You had such dramatic first scenes, I'm excited to see how this keeps going. I feel like I'm going to be holding my breath often! Just a few things jumped out at me: The first sentence felt really odd, probably because you repeated joking so close together. I'm prone to doing that as well. I'm not sure how you would want to fix it so I'll leave it at that. The scene where he tells her about her mother feels very fast to me, I can't explain why. Seems like it could use a bit more of of Anna's thoughts on her mother not being her mother and a reaction to it. That's all I can think of! Looking forward to more.
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Post by 4amWriter on Dec 18, 2011 13:55:28 GMT
Review of Chapter 2
I like how you kept right with the follow-up of her discovery that Tobin is a phoenix. Lots of authors use chapter 2 as a way to give background, and I'm glad that you stayed with the action. That helps keep us in the story.
I like that all she wants to do is go to bed; her avoidance is believable to me.
I stumbled over the part where Tobin tells her that the reason she is not showing any injuries is because she isn't a human. I had the impression back in chapter 1 that he had healed her, when he told her to lie down and he'd make her feel better (or words to that effect). So I think that just needs to be clarified.
I also felt the information came at her super-fast. And perhaps you might want to hold off on giving us so much in such a short span of time. You can keep the pace and tension with the inner story at this point (her reaction to his being a phoenix and that she'd been attacked by a demon would be enough to carry chapter 2).
The mother storyline is a big deal because of the emotion involved. I think you need to give more attention to it, as it is now, it just feels glazed over.
Good job!
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Post by lizziemitchell on Feb 24, 2012 0:00:37 GMT
Actually really annoyed at myself that I haven't checked back here more, I've been so busy and for some reason I don't get notifications when replies are posted here. I'm listening and taking in everything that you guys are saying, some of what your saying is a hint at what's coming later. Though Tobin rushes over things in his dialogue because that's what he's like, he doesn't' realise the effect its going to have on Anna because to him its common knowledge. I will try and slow it all down but finding a balance of background info and keeping up the pace is a difficult thing to achieve. Just writing chapter fifteen at the moment and will go over it all and address the issues you have raised in the next edit. Thanks again everyone.
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Post by loupy on Feb 24, 2012 2:00:31 GMT
I don't know why I didn't see this before! I will definitely try to get to reading some of this , i'm not good at constructive feedback but I will give it a go - Laura
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Post by limebirdwriters on Feb 24, 2012 9:59:27 GMT
Actually really annoyed at myself that I haven't checked back here more, I've been so busy and for some reason I don't get notifications when replies are posted here. I'm listening and taking in everything that you guys are saying, some of what your saying is a hint at what's coming later. Though Tobin rushes over things in his dialogue because that's what he's like, he doesn't' realise the effect its going to have on Anna because to him its common knowledge. I will try and slow it all down but finding a balance of background info and keeping up the pace is a difficult thing to achieve. Just writing chapter fifteen at the moment and will go over it all and address the issues you have raised in the next edit. Thanks again everyone. Yes, I think you have to check a box to receive notifications, you won't get them automatically! Looking forward to more chapters!
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