Abstaining from Permanence

[ottabelle]

Told Sharon:
"You can always start here, I think we're all nice. I think I'll put my money where my mouth is. I'll post my first five chapters, which is about half of the current work, and I want everyone to rip it apart. "

And I meant it. So there it is. Attached as rtf, I think anyone should be able to open it.

I use special fonts often in the text. That's my only concern about reading it. Is them not showing up. If they don't things may get a little confusing; instead of saying each character 'thought', I gave them a special font that wasn't always a default, but was a freeware font. Thoughts play such a huge role, it would be so tedious. Plus, it was fun. If they don't show up, let me know and I'll go through and add, "such and such character thought."

Hope you enjoy!

[ottabelle]

Well, it would help to attach and not get ahead of myself x.x

Attachments:

[limebirdwriters]

OK I'm pretty sure I replied to this.... how confusing. All I said was that I have saved this to my computer and I'm looking forward to reading it!

[4amWriter]

Hey Ottabelle,

I started reading it, and immediately I loved the voice of your protag. I also thought you did a great job with description, particularly with this line: "The headquarters of the Time Police resembled something M. C. Escher would vomit onto building plans." That was awesome!

I will go back to it over a span of days, if that's okay? I'm really proud of you for posting your work and I feel honored to be able to read it.

Limebirdkate

[ottabelle]

Oh its fine! I realized after I put up so much, I was like "Wow, you really put way too much up!" But I wasn't thinking when I made the first comment, I was just in support overdrive. And yeah, that happened! So it's fine, take as long as you need/want.

I didn't mean to make it so overwhelming, it was an accident. x.x

And I'm glad you love her. I love her too. And that is one of my FAVORITE lines in the whole thing. When I rewrite that part, I'm reordering the section so that can be the opener again, like it was when I first wrote it. I changed the section because one of the first people who read it said it was too disorganized. Another friend who read that version, and the original, preferred the disorganized (so did I, but after rereading I realized it could use -some- order). So I decided to combine the two.

You guys have the full order version.

[4amWriter]

Hi Ottabelle,

I read through your first chapter! You really know your stuff! Did you have to do a lot of research for the topic?

I like your characters, and I think you do a good job giviing them their own voice so that we can picture each one in our head. I also like the love/sex conflict. Bringing that in right away helps get us closer to the characters.

Do you intend to keep the different font styles throughout?

I had trouble keeping up with the structure and knowing what was happening when. I guess disorganized would be a good term to use, but I get the sense that maybe the disorganization helps with the plotline?

Good job!

[ottabelle]

I didn't do any research ._. I hate research, haha. If I needed to, I would do it though. I just looked up what little things I needed to.

And the fonts do stay throughout, they each stick with each charcter they never change.

Disorganized probably is a good word, that's where my brain was then I think. That was the intended thing for the plot but not at the expense of readability. Please tell me what made it hard to understand so that I can look and see I probably wouldn't recognize it otherwise.

A lot changed in writing from that chapter to the end. Some I want to keep, some I don't. I think in the first chapters each voice was much more defined. I think a lot of the confusion levels off too. I got to know the world better, sort of at least.

Is the different fonts really confusing? I loved that idea soo much, but I understand if it's one of those things that just shouldn't be done, haha. I thought that by having it right by the person talking, it made it clear. And because the thoughts mirrored what each specific character went through, I thought that helped too. But if it doesn't I'll have to make myself understand.

[4amWriter]

Okay, Ottabelle. Here are some examples of places that I stumbled, as well as notable places I liked!!

I found this section confusing because the name ‘Jules’ can be either male or female. With all the pronouns in the section, I didn’t know if you were talking about Carrol or Jules:
The rookies stared baffled. One, Carrol, laughed nervously. “Since when does it tell jokes? I thought it just said what era to go to and where and what to check out.” She was shaken. She usually was stoic, which was why she was paired with Jules, who kept a nervous temperament. She was tall and slightly muscled, and kept her hair in a bun. She wanted to put off a tough persona, and it wasn’t just a persona. She was tough inside and out. Her mentor, who was completely devoted to the agency and the state, decided that he would fast track her to field work training. She felt so excited when she found out.
However, this was a threat neutralizing action on her mentor’s part. The force did not need more of the strong willed. The field training she was going to be going on would likely break her spirit and make her malleable again. As of now, she questioned and thought and wondered why things were done the way they were done. Her mentor even knew about her previous experience with a conversational group that questioned the legislature that governed the laws of time control. She may turn rebel, and he needed to break her now. If that did not work, she could always die in the line of duty later.

I like this exchange: “How should I know? Just send this to the command, and let’s go to the range and shoot things and forget.” Carrol tried to hide the fear in her voice, tried to make a joke, and change the subject all at once; she failed at all three.
“Wow, the early 2000’s though. That’s a pretty cool time. Wish we could go.” He looked down. Rookies would not go on a mission like this, he could not go and die.
“You talk like that’s so far in the past! Besides, you’d piss your pants the first day,” She laughed. He didn’t

Here I started losing track of characters because now we have about 6 and I didn’t feel like I was with Carrol or Jules long enough to fully invest in them before this transition. Mika lay in her bed in the small room afforded to agents that rarely left the headquarters. She didn’t mind the small space. She spent most of her time working anyway, or designing new tech or other gadgets. She was a Regent, along with Thompson, Sayla and Ryder. They made up a task force that cleaned up the dirtiest messes in the timeline.

I like this: “I was just about to call you all. I should have known you would have come in now. I should be used to this now. I assume you know about the note the screen shit out?” Saldin grew old before his time, it was his own doing.

The section with Saldin, Sayla, Ryder, Thompson, and Mika (pp 10-18) was confusing to me only because I am not a proponent of head-jumping. I know books abound with it; the style is just not my thing. I prefer to stick with one character’s POV per scene to help alleviate the confusion and to increase the tension. I also feel like a get a better sense of the plot when I know who’s story it is. Right now, I’m having trouble figuring out who the main character is.

This is nice: She smiled and pulled him down towards her and kissed his neck. “I thought you wanted to sleep.” He smirked. “Sleep doesn’t keep me from thinking, dreams are just like thinking, only without filters.”

Using different fonts is a new device to me. It’s probably just a matter of adjusting to it. Mind you, I’m a traditionalist when it comes to formatting, so I’m not the best person to ask. Additionally, most publishers won’t accept manuscripts with different fonts. Depending on your plans for publication, you might want to look into that before you saddle yourself with the font changes.

I think for the most part, the head-jumping is what made me pause and double check the character. But, again, I am aware that a lot of authors use it. My one caveat would be to make sure that the reader isn’t confused in the middle of a scene, wondering who is speaking.

Overall, though, I really like your storyline and I think you do a great job describing all the characters, giving them inner conflict to make them well-rounded. I also think your dialogue is snappy and witty and believable.

[ottabelle]

This made me really happy. I'm going to definitely work on what you said. I see your points, especially about the font. I want to try a traditional publisher first, so I'll probably need a normal font, poo. I didn't think about that when I did it.

I love the head jumping though. I think I'll probably keep it, just make it more clear.

The mains are the Regents and Sammy.

I jump through a lot of characters though, well I thought it was nice to show a bit of back story with the sides too. To show more of the world and more of the Regents through them.

Thanks so much for the criticism and nice things.

[4amWriter]

Chapter 2

I like this: The Regents appeared like ghosts from the mist in the City Park

The mentions of things like Febreze and Wal-Mart seemed out of place to me, but at the same time I like the familiarity of these commonplace things because it helped me connect to the story. Also, I'm guessing it has something to do with the timeline?

Good description: The creatures that stalked Mr. Cat to Sayla’s room were in the park. They were tortoise-like, with an extra head… The shells had swirling fractal flame patterns that were green and blue. They had legs that seemed to be reinforced with armor plating, and their heads had the same. The body parts were a pale grey. The turtles seemed oblivious to them.

I am still having difficulty following the plot because of the head-jumping. I know you like the head-jumping and you want to keep it like that, and that's cool!

Good job!

[ottabelle]

It was to connect to the timeline, yea. It was to show changes to common things everyone would recognize and that this was in our regular world. Do you think it should be changed?

Thanks for the awesome stuff

Also, if you wanna stop reading because its too confusing, I understand. I won't be mad.

[4amWriter]

Dec 24, 2011 21:44:18 GMT ottabelle said:

It was to connect to the timeline, yea. It was to show changes to common things everyone would recognize and that this was in our regular world. Do you think it should be changed?

Thanks for the awesome stuff

Also, if you wanna stop reading because its too confusing, I understand. I won't be mad.

I don't think it should be changed, necessarily. Part of my confusion (I'm sure) is related to the overall confusion of the plot. So, I think for another reader who doesn't mind the head-jumping would probably not feel confused with the setting.

I don't mind continuing to read it. I just want my comments to be helpful/useful. You might not get much out of me simply because I'm getting lost easily. Are other people reading it for you?

As long as I'm being helpful to you, I will continue reading it. If the time comes that my comments aren't substantial enough, you let me know. Deal?

[ottabelle]

I just feel bad having you read something so confusing! As of now, this is the only place reading it. Which is ok. I've had a bad feeling lately and don't want anyone else reading it anyway... I thought about not letting anyone read it anymore until the first draft had been looked over a few times or rewritten. I am just feeling cruddy right now.

Your comments are very helpful and useful, and I feel great that you wanna keep going even though it's tripping you up.

And deal

[4amWriter]

Dec 28, 2011 17:34:14 GMT ottabelle said:

I just feel bad having you read something so confusing! As of now, this is the only place reading it. Which is ok. I've had a bad feeling lately and don't want anyone else reading it anyway... I thought about not letting anyone read it anymore until the first draft had been looked over a few times or rewritten. I am just feeling cruddy right now.

Your comments are very helpful and useful, and I feel great that you wanna keep going even though it's tripping you up.

And deal

Is this your first draft? Do you have a synopsis? Would you mind sending me a synopsis of your entire novel? Let me have a look at it and see if I can work some of my confusion out that way.

I don't want you feeling cruddy. I want you feeling like you have a great idea that just needs a little more work. And I will help you with that.

On second thought, post your synopsis as a seperate thread on the forums. I'll read it once you get it up there.

SMILE!

[limebirdkaiser]

Downloaded and stuck in on my Nook. It's in the queue!