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Post by neekswrite on Nov 2, 2011 19:43:31 GMT
This is a short story that I wrote for Halloween and posted last week on my blog. I would love to hear some educated opinions on grammar and construction, I know that I fall short in those areas. I do hope that you enjoy it. Attachments:
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Post by limebirdwriters on Nov 7, 2011 18:38:01 GMT
This is a short story that I wrote for Halloween and posted last week on my blog. I would love to hear some educated opinions on grammar and construction, I know that I fall short in those areas. I do hope that you enjoy it. Hi Neeks, Apologies for the late reply! This didn't seem to come up on my board for some reason! I am currently reading through it now for you! I will also get LimebirdMike to get a look. He's a published author, so he knows what he's talking about!  Beth |
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Post by limebirdmike on Nov 8, 2011 12:17:55 GMT
My MAC at work is having problems opening it. I shall endeavor to print it out and have a good read ASAP! :-)
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Post by limebirdmike on Nov 12, 2011 13:31:35 GMT
Hi Neeks. Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I don't get time to do non-work stuff at the computer during the week, so I normally only get time at the weekend. To make up for my tardiness, I thought I would write a nice long reply First of all let me say, what an interesting concept! I really enjoyed the two twists – both the revelation of the central character and the twist at the end. You also inserted some really nice touches. From a ‘practical’ point of view a very simple piece of advice I can give you is regarding the use of speech. You don’t always have to end speech with a full-stop. In fact in many situations, I often prefer not to. The benefit of ending with a comma can be felt in a number of ways if used correctly, but perhaps most significantly is a well-used comma can help the speech flow better! For example: “Hello Beth.” Said Mike. vs “Hello Beth,” said Mike. The first of the two examples should be used only very sparingly. The most obvious use for something as stark and as haunting as that might well be in something like a horror, or a confrontation situation. When you read it back to yourself it can often help to read it out loud while exaggerating the pause effect of the full stop. EG: “Hello Beth [pause for breath].” Said Mike. Reading it back in this light hopefully you can see the huge difference a single small piece of punctuation can make! In regards to other points the main thing that stood out as a point for discussion for me was your choice of certain words for use in characterisation. This sort of thing comes better with experience, but as a good example let me point you to your second paragraph where the butler addresses “the gentleman on the step.” Your choice of the word gentleman is an interesting one here. For a start you have shifted the narrative perspective, assigning an attribute to the character that as readers, we are not necessarily ready to do. We haven’t seen any example of the visitor’s “gentleman” status, so for one, we are slightly jarred by the use of this word, and are so forced to look on the visitor as a gentleman. Because we have now assigned him the attributes of the gentleman, he automatically gains a number of characteristics which are at odds with the mystery you’re trying to convey. If someone says “gentleman” to me, I instantly think of a stereotypical Victorian style character with top hat and tails. Obviously not everyone will have the same image as me, but the point here is more that there is a great deal of power in that single word. By using it (probably without realising), you have assigned the character with certain attributes, have shifted the narrative perspective towards that of the butler, and have also lost a bit of the “mystery” that you’re trying to create. I know it may seem like I’m placing too much weight on a single word, but what I’m really trying to do here is show you the importance that even a single word can have to the way a character is perceived! As a similar example, take a look at the word “gaunt” in the next paragraph. Ok, having read the whole piece the word gaunt is perhaps appropriate, but as soon as I read that, as a reader I instantly think horror (because there’s no obvious reason for the servant to be gaunt) and thus the piece loses a little bit of its edge as I am a little more prepared for the twist! I hope this all makes sense. Any questions, do please feel free to ask. Other than that, great piece of work ;D |
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Post by neekswrite on Nov 14, 2011 1:10:39 GMT
Wow, I can't thank you enough. Excellent points. I've wondered many a time about just when it's appropriate to use a comma as opposed to a full stop, how to capitalize after it, placement of quotation marks, etc. Is there a common rule regarding this? I wonder about this in almost every short story I do, and it's cool that you picked up on that point!
I just reviewed the story again, um..I see where I've used a comma after dialogue in 12 or 13 places, not counting the talking that ends with question and exclamation marks, or ...'s. Are you saying then, that I need to do it even more?
Second, I did use gentleman intentionally, I hoped it would make the reader assume he was of the higher class and not a ruffian out skulking in the alley. Also, I thought it would work because I certainly do not consider Hitler to be a gentleman, although he probably thought of himself that way. I wanted the beginning to reflect how he expected to be treated. I felt at some point I needed to describe the character a little without giving up who he was, and that "gentleman" would do so in a vague way. I agree that needs to be changed though, I knew something was wrong there but just didn't know what, so thanks! I will let his treatment by the butler and host clue the reader in on his status.
As for the gaunt butler, I was just attempting to bring in the results of Hitler's actions in at an early point in the story, and the reader would look back later and go, Aha! The butler was one of the prisoners! I guess that didn't work, lol. I can just remove that word and the sentence still works.
I would love to know your continued thoughts, if any. This was awesome, thank you!!
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Post by limebirdmike on Nov 14, 2011 20:46:55 GMT
[Don't have much time to reply today but will squeeze in a quick reply!]
I know this is going to sound really pedantic, but there is a very subtle different between being a gentleman, and possessing the attributes of a gentleman. If you say someone's a gentleman, then they are a gentleman. You might like to consider ways in which you can work around it. You can do this by asking yourself what attributes you apply to a gentleman, and what attributes you therefore think should be apparent on this 'mystery' character.
Have to say the butler thing passed me by. Perhaps a little extra subtle description could make the effect more apparent. I shall think on this some more and get back to you when I have a little more time!
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Post by neekswrite on Nov 15, 2011 13:57:52 GMT
Mmm, no I agree that he was not a gentleman and I'm going to change that. I think it will work better too, since I have the part saying he was "any old Joe." There is a difference, you are quite right.
I believe I should still take the gaunt out, the butler is really only a clue, now to what end I'm not sure. After all, I don't show him at the end in the concentration camp, so there isn't much point to his being one of the prisoners. I could make him the guard, but then he wouldn't be emaciated. You called it right the first time, better to just remove it.
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