The Heroine of Crundle LaneBridge

limebirdcat
New Limebird Member

Posts: 2

The Heroine of Crundle LaneBridge Dec 6, 2012 16:50:23 GMT

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Post by limebirdcat on Dec 6, 2012 16:50:23 GMT

Five thousand or so word short story by LimebirdCat

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Trying to remain defiant in the face of outright and blatant hatred is a terrifying prospect, especially when you’re eight years old. Mary dug her finger nails deep into the flesh of her pale forearms as she stood in the playground, opposite Alice Tuebrook.

The other girl had a preened flash of red hair, tied back into a neat bun and despite her almost angelic appearance, that hair underlined the angry fire burning bright inside her.

Mary was at the receiving end of one of Alice’ s hateful, withering looks, reducing her to a quivering wreck which she was, for once, determined to not betray. Mary did not wish to give Alice the usual satisfaction that she clearly garnered from these all too familiar encounters.

“Well” chimed Alice, regarding Mary with the same sneer that would have been better bestowed upon a mass murderer “we better see what the other girls think”.

Editor's Note - If you would like to read the rest of Cat's awesome story, you can download it here - www.lulu.com/shop/cat-mercer/the-heroine-of-crundle-lane-bridge/ebook/product-20637560.html

Last Edit: Jan 17, 2013 12:41:08 GMT by limebirdwriters

yrdeni
Senior Limebird Member

Posts: 135

The Heroine of Crundle LaneBridge Dec 8, 2012 10:07:35 GMT via the ProBoards App

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Post by yrdeni on Dec 8, 2012 10:07:35 GMT

Wow. I wouldn't normally choose to read this sort of thing, but that was really good. Emotionally charged. I can't say I enjoyed the story, but it clawed at me and sucked me in. I felt like I was there, hovering about a foot up and to the left of Mary's shoulder. Very clear, well-rounded and with a hint of 'dulce et decorum est' bitterness.

(Only critical comment is it's tack, not tact - it's a nautical term)

bonusparts
Junior Limebird Member

Rocket Cat!

Posts: 29

The Heroine of Crundle LaneBridge Dec 9, 2012 21:16:28 GMT

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Post by bonusparts on Dec 9, 2012 21:16:28 GMT

Great opening, Cat! (I'm envious of anyone who can do great openings.) A schoolyard showdown is one of those moments we might not all experience, but we can all relate to. The conflict between Alice and Mary felt tense, bitter, and ridiculous all at the same moment. (Ridiculous only because that sort of childish butting of heads can be so silly when seen from an adult perspective. It's not a comment on the writing, which portrays the moment with all the gravitas a young girl would afford it. I hope that makes sense.)

I really enjoyed a lot of the subtle details in this one; the policeman's mismatched eyes, for example. I agree with Lord Scree, too, that it feels like we're looking over the shoulder of young Mary throughout. The prose is appropriate for a young girl's perspective, a voice that's difficult to keep during a story.

There were a couple of instances of missing punctuation, notably with dialogue, but I think a pass with a fine-toothed grammar comb would take care of them. Otherwise, I think it flows well and everything moves quickly, a good choice for a work so short.

Thanks for sharing!